wildest flight

"...But I have found our thoughts take wildest flight

Even at the moment when they should array

Themselves in pensive order."

-Lord Byron, Manfred

I'm still having trouble organizing my thoughts such that I can write them down, and the more I have on my mind, the more incapable I feel of sorting it all out.

First things first, I suppose. I really liked the Order of the Phoenix movie. It seems that I actually liked it more than a lot of people did. It is, of course, always frustrating that so many plot elements must be left out for time purposes, but I thought this movie still flowed well, and was, in fact, quite captivating. I thought Delores Umbridge and Luna Lovegood were both perfect. And while this movie was very dark in nature, as the book was, I was especially impressed by the humor in it; I kept finding myself laughing in precisely the way I laugh when I read the books. The trip to Lexington itself was also most enjoyable--surprisingly so, actually. Of course, the movie premiere was just practice for the infinitely more exciting book opening this weekend. I think we're going to Knoxville to Potter-party with John, one of Alex's best friends and also one of my favorite people. It promises to be a good time. I'm becoming increasingly anxious about who is going to die in the book. I had previously rejected the idea that Harry could possibly die, but I'm beginning to fear that he will, in fact, have to sacrifice himself in order to defeat Voldemort. For the record, I think, with quite a lot of conviction, that Snape is good. I think he may actually be the ultimate hero of the story, but that the other characters may never know of his goodness, making him a very successful, if deeply tragic, suffering servant. I'm very excited about finding out what happens, and also sad that the end of Harry Potter is imminent. I feel like I'm about to lose a friend.

Which is also how I feel about the Nickel Creek break-up. I was feeling unexpectedly (though not outwardly) emotional at the end of the concert on Saturday, reflecting on my three previous experiences seeing them live and mourning the fact that this one would (probably) be the last.

I was also sad because 3 of the 4 friends who were originally coming with me ended up not coming for varying reasons. I was thoroughly disappointed that the weekend didn't turn out the way I planned (not that anything ever does, I guess), as I had been planning/looking forward to it for months.

Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of you

(Nickel Creek)

Of course, the show was amazing anyway. I am always in awe of Chris Thile. It's like he's on some separate plane of existence from the rest of us, hovering somewhere between mania and immortality. It's quite a sight (and sound) to behold.

It's all enchanted and wild

It's just like my heart said It was going to be

I was thinking about how thrilling it would be to meet him (and Sean and Sara, too), but really, I feel like I already know them, perhaps even better than i know some people in "real life."

Every tone I play would give whatever I've not said away

I had a lot of fun, but I'm still trying not to be upset with my friend(s). I'm generally too hard on people, or so I'm told, but I'm just not quite over my disappointment, I guess. My friends really are great, and I really do love them, even when I disagree with them, even when I'm disappointed.

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

Speaking of friendships, I've been bummed out/existentially confused since being confronted with the extent to which I failed as a best friend while I was so sick. Somehow I managed not to realize it until it was pointed out to me, and it's a pretty painful realization. The irony is that this "extended period of time" was a period during which I was doing absolutely everything in my (severely lacking) power to be a good friend. I was failing to take care of myself in an effort to take care of my best friend. This was a conscious decision, and I felt strongly that it was the right one, but now it seems as if none of my efforts did anyone any good. And this raises the question, why did I do all of that? I mean...I know exactly why I did it--because I wanted to (and I don't regret anything about it), but what purpose did any of it serve? I don't foresee myself figuring it out anytime soon.

Please give me time to decipher the signs

Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

For now, I'm trying not to focus too much on my failure, to remind myself that I did the best I could do. Operative word here: trying.

I hope he still wants it, but it might remind him of when,

he aimed for the bulls eye and hit it nine times out of ten

That one time his hand slipped, and I saw the dart sail away

I don't know where it landed, but I'm guessing between green and gray

We thought nothing of it, but it still haunts him like a ghost

With all eyes upon him, except two that matter the most

In any case, the whole thing has gotten me thinking about the interconnectedness of the details of our individual lives--the way every experience affects every other one, the way every relationship we have affects every other one, and so on. It's a pretty simple concept, but makes for such a complicated reality.

I had more to write about, but it'll have to wait. My coherence skills seem to be fading, and I think bedtime is drawing nigh.

If this going to run round in my head

I might as well be dreaming