call me Mara

"Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."
(Ruth 1:20)

I am so full of bitterness. I'm shamefully, disgustingly full of it. I have this ugly, ridiculous attitude that tells me that it if I'm not happy, nobody should be happy. I resent that all my friends are finishing their semesters, moving on, graduating, making progress, reaching their goals, having fun. It kills me. It all comes from a sense of entitlement that I shouldn't have in the first place. I should be happy for my friends... proud of them. I should be celebrating with them. And outwardly, of course, I am. But inside, I am seething with this bitterness. I hate it... that my depression (and let's be honest--my sin) is swallowing me up, trapping me in this state of pride and self-righteousness. And it makes me feel so overwhelmingly guilty that I feel even more stuck, even more unhappy, even more helpless.

Lord, have mercy.